God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even the bartender felt bad for me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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