Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
