Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think my moral compass just broke
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