you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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