no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
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WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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