"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
