I just pynch a tree in the face
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize