4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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