i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
