you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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