I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
