Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
