I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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