Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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