Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
