We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
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Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
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She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"