Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me