Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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