Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
