Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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