Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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