I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
