Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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