mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
