I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
