I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
