Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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