i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
