I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
