So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
