hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
