I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
