There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
