Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
