I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
