well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
