smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
