i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I don't deserve a penis
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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