I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You left your phone here
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