you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
where does the pee come out of this thing
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
