dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
