You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
