Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
