All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
