I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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