I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
