How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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