You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
