The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
