I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Randomize
