We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
