In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
