I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Boobs speak an international language.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
