i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches