I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
