I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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