just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
