i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
