I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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