It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
