you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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