The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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